Monday, 15 July 2013

New methods at Tony's old house.

"Christy, we need to talk."
"Right now? I'm having an election celebration with my Kelowna family." 
"Yeah now, them reporters are startin' ta get close to findin' out what we did and ..."
"You came all the way from Vancouver?" 
"Don't worry, I took the long way, through Kamloops." 
"Any natural gas up there?"
"The car don't smell too good. Say, who are those tough lookin' guys, why are they at your dinner table with overcoats on? They look like Mafioso?"
"They're ethnics ... to counter the QuickWins scandal."
"Gangsters are ethnics now?"
"Never mind just follow me downstairs."
"To your basement? But I ..."

They plunge into the darkness.
"Shhh, wait a minute."
"Christy, it's so dark down here, I can't see a thing. I nearly tripped on those old wooden stairs."
"Wait till I find the light switch, we just bought this house from Tony Soprano, not sure where everything is yet."
"That's better. Kinda scary down here. But this is what I needed to tell y... "
"Shh! Wait till I turn the washing machine on."
"Mind if I toss in my jacket with your saris? Had it on since Point Grey."
Kachung. Kachung. Kachung. Kachung.
"I'll turn on the table saw and let it vibrate too, can't be too careful."
"Don't put your fingers near it."
"So Madam Premiere, we gotta ..."
"Hold on, I'll tune in Bill Good on the radio, I told him to be extra loud when I knew you were coming here. And give me a hand starting the lawnmower."
Tug.... tug,     brrrraaaoooooorrrrrrrrrrrr! 
"Sheez, is this overkill?"
"Can't be too careful, they're all after me, you know."
"It's about this email, Mz Premier ..."   
"Sheez, you know we don't use emails anymore, don't you? Only talk in open parks."
"Sure but this is an old one."
"Let me see."

Silence as Christy reads the email in the dim light of the 10 watt oven bulb.
"I can fix this." 
Christy digs through a dusty tool drawer and finds an old Magic Marker.

From the office of the Premier           
Dear           and                     you too                       !!

If you think you can                                                                                    
                           because I have people who can fucking kill  you, or else. And       
 and theretofore you can                                 we                                                                                                                     to meet with                                          him/her and                           threaten                                     furthermore,
                                down, and pay him                          200000 dollars dollars.
Take the money out of           Bollywood                              account.
And give it to                                                                                    .  reach out       
                                                   outreach                                                                                        breach                                                       me retch.        
Sincerly your Premiere Minster,
CC@                         .com
Christy (cleavage)  Clark

"Okay now? I got to go and blow out the candles."
"Sure, I'll stay down here till my jacket is ready."
"Okay but don't call anyone. You turned off your GPS didn't you? You heard about PRISM and the NSA."
"Sure I got the memo."
"And burned it, yes?"
"The NSA is tracking you?"
"No, but the NDP is ..... and I'm never sure about Rich."

"This is our new BC Liberal communication method if you have to write something down. You write the memo with lemon juice on onion skin paper. Just don't burn it when heating it up to read."
"You were a Cub Scout?"
"It came with my Dick Tracy ring."
"Okay Christy. Too bad about Tony Soprano being dead."
"Don't believe everything you see on TMZ."